Hi all - maybe a weekend article (hope you don't mind) - A number
of years ago President Spencer W. Kimball of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints made a comment; which I'm going to paraphrase, "Most
people think the main problems in marriage are Children, Money and Sex; they
are not the main problems in marriage deal with selfishness."
After a lot of thought I put together a lesson for my current events class in
high school called, "Time, Space, Change and Communications." I
had received permission to do a two week "Family Living Unit" from
the school, so this fit in with what we were studying. The students were
mostly Juniors with some Seniors. After I gave this class, my 10th
Graders got permission slips from their parents so I could give it to them
also.
We
were dealing with the problems of families; specifically the generalizations
people would make and how some would accept these as the truth. At the
beginning of the class which actually took a couple days; 99% said that the
biggest problems in marriage were in this order; money, kids and sex.
That their parents argued most about money, second about kids and they weren't
sure if their parents were still sexually active as that was only for the
young. So with that as the starting point we talked a little about
selfishness; and then broke it down into several areas; (no particular order)
time, space, change and communications. We then further sub-divided these
areas into; social, family, self, and for married couple private. With all this
agreed upon we then undertook to look at each individually.
First
- Time: Time loosely by definition is the number of hours we have to
spend each day in doing whatever we want or need to do. Most agreed with
either work or school took up about 10 hours a day; travel, wasted time,
homework; 2 hours a day to eat; and maybe 3 hours of free time; 1 hour getting
up and going to bed; and maybe 8 hours to rest. Most agreed that this was
a normal day. Realistically what it is saying is we have 3 hours to do
something in besides what is required. So now all of a sudden 15 hours in
five days; not counting Saturday and Sunday. And those 15 hours have to
be divided as a parent between children, wife/husband, friends, and dealing
with life in general and specifics. Some this time has to be social, as
humans are social by nature; some need to be family; some needs to alone; and
some needs to private with spouse. Social time is time with those who are
not members of the immediate family; but are friends, relatives,
neighbors. Family time is with your immediate family;
son/daughter/mother/father and in different combinations. Alone time is
just that, time by yourself; to reflect on your day, write in a journal, read a
book, read the scriptures, have personal prayer, listen to your favorite
music. Private time is the time each day that a married couple need to
discuss personal things important to the both of them. These are personal
matters; private, intimate, only between them. It is time when they can
pray together, read the scriptures, be intimate, and enjoy each other without
interruptions. Now it may never be very long in any one of the above, but
just a little each day is enough.
Second
- Space - Space is where you spend your time living. Your work space,
home, local hangout, wherever you are that you feel you belong. Inside
the home is where we are going to concentrate; first the living room is social
space; it is where friends are invited, business is carried out, strangers
visit, and you entertain non-family members. This can also be a Kitchen or if
by common consent a TV room. Family space is defined by the size of your
home; but this might be a family room, kitchen, living room. This
is where any member of the family should feel comfortable being in without
conflicting with other members of the family or social guests. Next is
alone space; usually your bedroom, or an office area. It is where others
come as invited. (Remember parents are responsible for the actions and
activities of their children so they can come into a child's bedroom.) If
you have good communications this should not be a problem, but it is important
to remember. Finally you have private space; this is usually the parents
master bedroom or bedroom. No one except the parents enter this space
uninvited. With young children and their needs this is amended to a
degree to meet the needs of the individual, but with older children it should
not ever be violated; this is mom's and dad's space. Within this private
space each parent has their private space also. The wisest advice anyone
ever gave Joyce and I; was said this way, "Chuck, the home is reflection
of your wife, keep it that way, don't invite anyone in without warning
her." "Joyce, Chuck needs a corner in where ever you live for
his own." "You will think it a mess, trashed, but it is
his." Over the years this has worked for us.
Third
- Change - Change here is defined as the ability to adapt to conditions around you
and those that involve you directly. There is social change; morals,
ethics, political, growth and public opinions. These are areas of give
and take within the general community and each needs to be considerate of
another's point of view. Family change is as the family grows, matures,
develops, has its ups and downs and losses. Personal (alone) change is
where you improve yourself with goals, work, ability and make your self esteem
allow you to improve to help or be more helpful to the whole. Private
change is the most difficult in a marriage; it is the self improvement of both
members of the relationship. It is important to remember we cannot change
another, we can only change ourselves. This is where President Kimball
says the most abuse of selfishness takes place; we always think the other
person should change, not us. Just the opposite is true, we need to
continue to grow and then allow our partners to grow; we can encourage, but we
can't do it for them. Yet we have the self accountability to do it to
ourselves.
Fourth
- Communications - This is the most critical of all of the areas of a marriage
relationship. Social communications are those we have with members
outside of the immediate home; neighbors, friends, fellow workers, and those we
meet in public arenas. Family communications are those discussions that
are meant for the family. These should stay within the walls of the
home. Teaching your family the importance of this is very important at
young ages; children outside their home treat people the way their parents talk
about them inside the home. Alone communications take many forms; a diary
is private, while a journal is intended for others to read. Confiding in
a friend is an alone conversation as long as it is a building up and not a
tearing down of the family. Having someone you can trust is extremely
important, especially where the issues of discussion can hurt a family member
unintentionally when you are trying to get a better handle on your problems
without upsetting them. This is a very sensitive area and very
important. Because the accomplishment of the alone discussion leads to
private communications with the person you plan to spend forever with.
This is a double edged sword; for there are no secrets; but there are areas
which if spoken about will only hurt the other person. I've explained to
my children that there are nothing that Joyce doesn't know about me. Two
reasons, she can't be surprised by someone else telling her something and
anything she wants to know about she knows she can ask and I'll tell her the
truth. The worse thing in communications is for someone else to tell you
something you should already know.
Why
do we need to understand all of the above? Why is this important or was
it important for me to teach my classes? Why is it important to have
strong families? Why is it important to know what man considers
important; money, sex and children as problems in marriage; Heavenly Father
sees us as being selfish instead. We need to consider everyone's time,
space, change and communications in our relationships. We need each other
to make others stronger. We need to share an intimate love that allows
each other to help and receive help from others without jealousy. We need
to learn to strengthen our families from within, so we can strengthen others
from without.
~I was where I belonged
among those who fight
among those called valiant~
'old rusty knight'
among those who fight
among those called valiant~
'old rusty knight'
“Spaces”
cji
12/30/17
We’ve each spaces
personal, family, couples
how important to know
each is extremely important
personal space is safe space
as found without drugs
contraband – pornography
whether it be a shared room
the same for the family
space where all conversation
is private within the home
and couples space understood
spaces ensure confidence
build trust and understanding
we’ve each spaces to respect!
Copyright ©
2017 – cji
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